Saturday, March 26, 2011

Reasons I am Losing Faith in Humanity #1: An Underdog Success Story (That Will Make You Nauseous)

Nothing wrong with that:
Everybody likes a good success story. It never fails to make us feel good that the little guy has one the battle against all odds and achieved his or her dreams. It's also human nature that we are always most intrigued by the success stories that involve hobbies that we share with the subject. So when I saw an article in this morning's Oregonian about a woman who self-published a novel she wrote on the internet and has gained the attention of big-name publishers and even movie producers, suffice to say it piqued my interest. I mean, that premise sounds pretty cool, right? Unfortunately, the headline failed to warn us that the author of the book (called Tiger's Curse), Colleen Houck, is completely and totally batshit.

That sinking feeling:
Let's look over the things that started tipping me off that this book (now a trilogy) couldn't possibly be good. It only took me until the first paragraph to get the feeling that everything was gonna go south. The author's biggest inspiration was Stephanie Meyer- also known as quite possibly the most talentless, borderline-retarded writer to ever gain a large, vapid, slobbering fan base. So this series is most likely a low-rent, poorly written piece of unintentionally disturbing crap. But that's not all, ladies and gentlemen; you ain't seen nothing yet.

Everything goes to hell:
This is where things get weird. You see, folks, this series isn't just your average piece-of-crap franchise. In the second to last paragraph, the writer of the article finally gives us an idea of what the series is about. Keep in mind that I did not edit the wording of this sentence in any way.

           "... the story is that of a girl from Oregon who takes a job at a circus and falls in love with Ren, a man trapped in a tiger's body."

Let me put this in a clearer wording for you: This book is about  a woman who lusts after a tiger. I wish I was making this up, people.

To sum up everything that's wrong with this plot, let me use an example for you: To me, this is kind of like the literary equivalent of The Human Centipede. That movie could have been the best written, best acted, best looking movie ever made and I would still refuse to see it, considering it's based entirely around the concept of people being forced to eat each others' feces.

Likewise, Tiger's Curse could be the best written book in the world (though I'm gonna guess it's far from it) and I would still refuse to read it, considering it's about a main character whose deepest desire is to fuck a tiger. It doesn't matter if it's a "man trapped in a tiger's body", the main character still wants to screw a tiger. It doesn't matter if said tiger speaks her language. It's still a friggin' tiger. What kind of person wakes up one morning and thinks, "you know what my perfect match is? A different species who looks like a larger version of my cat, except way more bloodthirsty."

And yet, this stupid, stupid woman has purportedly been offered a movie deal.

Our world is so screwed.

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